at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just want to make out with him forever
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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