I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
