After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
