what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
