I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
