also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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