woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
