There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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