the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
