I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
