If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
