I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
