doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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