Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
