I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
