Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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