Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
