it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
