fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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