I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
