I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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