From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
