i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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