did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
