that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
