just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
