Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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