I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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