Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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