when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
