im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
