Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
