so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
