I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
