I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
