Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're a waste of cheezeits
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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