You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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