Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
