My friends, they love my intelligence
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
