Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
