If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
