i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
