he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
