I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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