Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
