Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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