How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
