we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
