No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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