Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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