I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
